Though it is not a permanent condition that any of us want to be in we can find ourselves in seasons where we are alone. Marriage will not solve this. Even married people can feel alone. This is why it is important to master this place in our lives that we all visit at one point or another. Alone is not a negative state of being. Alone can be a great place. When Adam was strolling around the garden with God he was so caught up in the wonderfulness of it all that the thought never occurred to him that he was alone. Alone is what you make it. It can be a place of empowerment where you take stock of your world and your gifts and master your personal universe and exercise all the options available to you without any interruption. This is your opportunity to become a better you for whomever you choose to share yourself with. Other than that alone can be a great place of enjoying secret delights. I don’t know about you but shopping is sacred to me. I want to be alone. I don’t need input from the peanut gallery on what to buy or not buy. I can shop ‘til I drop all by myself! I love a good hot bubble bath—alone. Just me, candles, music and lots of suds. This is heaven to me.
Alone affords you the solace you need to focus, get clear on issues in your life. Plan your work and work your plan. It can be a place of deep healing if you are not afraid to listen to the silence, God, yourself, whoever you hear in your head when you are alone. I find that people who can’t be alone can’t really be with people either. The bottom line is your relationships with others will only be as healthy as the relationship you have with God and yourself when you are flying solo. Quiet as it’s kept, a lot of folk don’t like being alone because they don’t want to be quiet enough to hear truths that can only be heard in the silence. They prefer to fill their world with ambient noise to drown out the voice of reason, God or any other offerings that might challenge them to lift the bar when it comes to their life and habits. For people who know they need to deal with some things about themselves they’ve been ignoring on purpose a place called alone can be hell.
If you can’t master a solo act your duet is going to be a hot mess. You will either rely on the other person to complete you or at least fill in all the blanks in your world. Let me tell you right now baby girl that no man on the face of this earth can do God’s job, so if you’re looking for someone to complete you or fill your voids both expectations lead to the same sad end—abandonment when they cave under the pressure of your neediness or your disappointment that they can’t fill the bill you serve them. So what’s a girl to do? How does one get past a place called lonely? By getting past yourself!
Ummhm, you see the major malady of most human beings is something called self-involvement. We tend to spend most of our time gazing at our own belly buttons. The more we look at ourselves the more everything that is missing or wrong with us is magnified. Things that are temporary appear permanent, which creates a state of hopelessness. Hopelessness makes you think, talk and act crazy. Nothing is based on anything other than how you feel in the moment. That’s when I get letters like this one.
I have to confess that I bought your book Sassy, Single and Satisfied but I haven’t read it yet because to be perfectly honest I don’t want to be single and satisfied, I want to be married with children. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am so miserable I can’t stand myself. I don’t go anywhere, or do anything because I hate the way I look and feel. No one talks to me. There’s a guy I like at my job but he doesn’t even look at me. My mother says I’m suffering from depression. Maybe she’s right. So can you give me the crib notes on how to be sassy and satisfied even when you’re single because I don’t think I have the strength to read your book.
Miserable, Bored and Getting Fat
I feel you. However you have got to snap out of it! Trust me I’m not being mean when I say that. Here’s the ticket. You have a choice. You have to decide how you are going to look at life and line up your actions accordingly. Trust me your emotions will catch up with you once you get busy about the business of creating the life you want. I always tell people who complain about being bored that they are bored because they are boring. No one is going to make life happen for you girlfriend. Let me guess your schedule. You go to work , you go to church (perhaps), you go home. This is your routine, 24/7, seven days a week. Right? It’s time to flip the script! Get out there and get a life girl. You’ve got to turn your life into a party that people want to attend. No wonder that guy at work isn’t talking to you if you’re walking around looking sad and gaining weight. Would you want him if he was doing that?
You are the only person that can change your life. That is the power of one. Now is the time to set the standard you want your partner to line up to. You can’t hand someone a blank piece of paper and expect them to read the script you want to hear, that’s too much work. Why not make it easy? Get the life you want and then allow those you want to join you to be a part of what you’ve already begun?
Let me ask you a question. How would you end the sentence “I’ve always wanted to …?” Why not do that thing now? Take that class. Go to that country. Do whatever! Just get started. Once you get going guess what will happen? You will meet other people with similar interests and that can only lead to somewhere more exciting than where you already are. Just remember nothing plus nothing equals nothing. So start something that puts a light in your eyes, a pep in your step and excitement in your voice. Get sassy and you’ll be a walking invitation for love. Remember loneliness has nothing to do with the number of people in a room. It has to do with a mindset. You are in control of your personal world and space, so create the life you want for yourself by embracing life for all it’s worth.
Love Always (even when no one else is watching)
excerpt from “The Real Deal on Men and Love” get your copy on Amazon.com today!