Is love colorblind? It should be, but lets face it, it is not. Perhaps I will have no friends left after this article but there are just a few things I would like to get off my chest though this has been a conversation for decades. Now that I have your attention let me just clarify that this is not an article aimed at bashing black men who date or marry white women. I have many friends who dated all of the color spectrum before finding love and settling down quite happily with a white woman for all the right reasons and I’m not mad at any of them. The are happy and I am happy for them.
But I wonder at another quadrant of my brothers. From the America to Africa, yes I said Africa, who have got to have a white woman for reasons other than love though they will profess such.
Perhaps I have been naïve for a greater part of my life never really seeing it as a big deal until I moved to Africa and saw a sad scenario unfolding before my eyes. While parked at the mall in Accra Ghana the other day the sight I saw moved me to reflect on this issue afresh. I saw a rather massively overweight white woman, dirty, unattractive and unkempt being tenderly guided toward the entrance by a strikingly handsome, buff down to his eight pack, midnight chocolate black man. Forgive me for assumptions but I have to admit all I could see was visa/green card application. It seems to be the accepted mode of getting to America here to find someone who is so happy to have a fine man’s attention they actually believe they’ve found love after no one else had given them the time of day. These women will do any thing for their dark Adonis, including supporting them financially and taking them to America, only to be dumped after they’ve put in their time to attain the coveted green card. By now there are children involved in the broken home scenario that follows.
Yes I had seen it before, but for some reason on this day it struck me as very sad as opposed to the joke it had been in the past. After all I was in Africa where I thought people were more comfortable in their skin and actually celebrated being beautiful black people. This was supposed to be the land where Nubian men celebrated their Nubian women. But I was now seeing the opposite more often than I cared to. I saw sisters bleaching their skin trying to achieve lighter skin because even in Africa fair is more highly regarded in many places. Never mind the scores of people of other ethnicities getting skin cancer to attain darker skin, we are despising what God gave us naturally. Now here in a land where the excuse of oppression does not exist, where governments are ruled by black people (though I’ve come to the conclusion that colonialism has damaged black people all over the world in many ways) regrettably the village (or bush) mentality still is “white is right” and “if you can get a white woman you are the man!” I expected this in America but not in my beloved Africa!
I recalled the past angry conversations of black women over the years who were wondering why it seems that whenever a black man attains any level of success, whether athletically, musically or corporately, he has to have a white woman on his arm as if she is the final seal and affirmation that he indeed “made it” and could be counted as a man to be admired. Speculations ran amuck from was this attitude continuing slave man mentality or simply deep self-hatred and low self esteem. It has also been the silent conversations of many black mothers’ who were disappointed in their son’s choice but for the sake of keeping the peace and not losing their sons, simply complained to friends and learned to live with their choice if it made their son’s happy. But the resounding question from them was, “Why doesn’t my son want to marry a woman who looks like me? What does that say about me?”
Who can be blamed for this thinking is hard to say. Its safe to say the media plays a big part. After all we are bombarded with images of beautiful white women, and there are a lot of stunningly beautiful ones, gracing the covers of magazines, movies and videos. Still touted way more than their beautiful black counterparts. Oh yes, can we talk about those videos? Why do most of our black artists have to glorify white women in their videos when their white counterparts do not? Since I have a background in marketing I understand the feeling that this gives you the ability to cross over and appeal to the masses and not just the urban market but lets get real. There are hoards of beautiful, exotic black women that would be just as alluring in your video and if your song is that hot it will cross over anyway. I was watching such a video the other day from across the room at my health club. The entire video featured a black male artist (can’t remember him now) and a beautiful black girl singing major segments of his song. At the end of the video he takes off with a white woman. I just shook my head. That about summed it up. The girl with the “voice” was only good enough to help him make the money he would use to get the girl with the “image”.
We could speculate all day on why white women are the Golden Grail for a lot of brothers all day long and then some and come to no right conclusion. I’ve heard from brothers all various and sundry reasons for why black women are “hard work” and white women are “easier” in every way. I wonder to myself how much of that woman’s response to them was based on their behavior which seems to change when approaching a white woman. At the end of the day I know that white women are not pushovers either. My white women friends don’t put up with any nonsense and they get what they want! Perhaps white women have mastered playing the game to get what they want a little better than my black sisters to a great degree but at the end of the day the score remains the same, no one is going for the okey doke. I chuckle as I consider how one of my white friends put it when I cited the way she did things was manipulative as opposed to the more out front approach of most sisters. She simply said, “I don’t consider it manipulation, I consider it people management.” This has left a lot of black women despairing that the pool of choices grows alarmingly smaller as brothers choose other options from White to Latina to Asian.
Thanks to Shonda Rhymes, the writer creator of the hot TV show “Scandal,” she has given the American successful white male the approval to openly admire and desire black women (though we pray to be wives and not mistresses,) European white men have been celebrating and marrying black women for decades. But here a note must be injected. I have noticed that when most white men pursue black women it is usually the crème de la crème of black women. The beautiful ones. Educated. Smart. Accomplished. The full package. However it seems that is generally not the case unless you are a wealthy black male. Those who are not wealthy seem to more often than not settle for white women they would not consider if they were black. And treat her better than they would a black woman. The same standards do not apply. A white comedian Ralphie May joked blacks don’t date ugly black women because they prefer ugly white women. It’s often been implied that brothers settle for white men’s rejects and think they’ve gotten a prize. So I ask why does the bar get set lower when brothers cross over? And why don’t the same rules apply for sisters to exercise their options and discover love across racial lines? I have dated white men and can still recall the scathing looks I got from brothers while out in public. It seems what is good for the gander is not good for the goose.
My bottom line on all of this? People please choose your mate and marry for life purpose and love. Simple. No woman whether she be black, white, purple or polka dot should be chosen because she “boosts your image” or is seen as a trophy. That is just wrong on too many levels. Do not use White Women, Black women, Latina, Asian or any other form or what you term exotica to affirm your self-esteem, make you feel better about yourself, or get your green card. Users usually get used in the end. It is a matter of time. Life is too short to spend half your life with a messed up existence because you thought this person would heighten your pay grade or get you something you couldn’t or wouldn’t do the work necessary to get on your own. And it is simply not fair to bring children into it. Yes there is a whole other crazy mindset that values mixed race children as more beautiful and desirable. That is just sick. Again this speaks of a deeply perverted self-esteem. And the eventual divorce settlement won’t be worth it.
A note to my brothers: Consider who walks in agreement with you. Who works with the vision that God has given you for your life. Who promotes your purpose and can be a conduit to your destiny. Who is your best friend as well as your lover and life partner. Partnership has everything to do with where we end up in life. Your purpose will last much longer than the person. No one likes to be used. Hell hath no fury like the one who comes to the conclusion they were not really loved. Life can get very expensive and rob us of all our hard earned acquisitions when we make wrong choices for all the wrong reasons. So black, white, purple or polka dot make sure you really looked within and that person got under your skin for all the right reasons before saying I do. And remember you can only feel good about yourself because you feel good about yourself, not because of your accessories.
Check out The Real Deal on Men and Love, How To Be Found By The Man You’ve Been Looking For, and How To Get The Best Out Of Your Man on Amazon.com today!
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